Fresh start.

Ok, now exams are over, a new plan begins. As I have been eating massively huge amounts of food, I plan to take my cal intake down slowly (ish)

So instead of going straight for 1 meal a day, I am cutting out breakfast, letting myself have a piece of toast and salad for lunch, and eating dinner as usual ( I always have to, me and my family eat dinner together everyday)

I am such a large weight, I'm to embarrassed to say, but I will tell you this. Yesterday I went shopping, my normal size clothes didn't fit. The size above me didn't fit. I cried. A lot.

Oh wow!!

So my last post was a rant about my old boss. WELL something AWESOME and totally amazing happened just now.

I used to tutor a little girl who I really like and enjoyed tutoring. I had to stop because I had so much on. The girl's mum just rang up and said how much she would love to have me back, I accepted and am starting again on Monday! I am so, so pleased!!!! I feel like I've been blessed.

Just a reminder that I won't be talking about food until after my exams.

A rather stressful week!

Well with 2 A level exams and 1 university interview in the space of 5 days you can imagine the stress I have encountered. Luckily, I have only 1 exam left. The interview went ok (fingers crossed everyone!).

This post isn't really food related as I am trying super hard to eat 'normally' in this Super Stressful Week.

Anyway, what's really been on my mind these last few days is moving countries. Obviously first I need to get into university, get my nursing degree and get some experience. But after that where to go? America has always appealed to me, but do I want to really push myself to the limits and go and live in India with my two friends who are paediatricians out there? Hmm...well I have 5 years to ponder this...so I don't need to make a decision yet! x

Don't rain on my parade

So the scales this morning told me that I was finally back in the 120's, 129.8 to be precise. I'm happy but quite apprehensive, with it being the weekend and all. I binge on weekends. Crap. But I won't this weekend, I just have to stay in control, keep my thoughts on the right path. Wish me luck!

Obsessed Much?

You know the ED is getting worse when you start having weight related dreams....everyday I have about 5 dreams just before I wake up about getting on the scales...routinely waking up in between dreams and realising I CAN'T have put on a stone, when you eventually do weigh yourself, it feels somewhat surreal, like one of the dreams.

So after my binge fuelled weekend, I put on a lot of weight, not sure how much, I think about 6lbs. Cringe. I'm now 2 lbs above what I was on Friday. So just got to KEEP GOING!! purging is seeming more and more appealing!

Anyway off for a walk!

The place of tranquility

So recently I decided I need somewhere to go when I'm feeling a bit down/vulnerable/hungry. I decided it had to be a place where I would NEVER eat, so that cancelled out the kitchen, dining room, lounge, my room. Only one place seemed safe enough. The bathroom. Strange? Probably. At about 4 o'clock everyday I take a pillow, my dressing gown and a book into the bathroom, and sit in the bath, (dry of course) lock the door and read. It sounds strange but it REALLY helps, I look forward to 4 o'clock all day... I would recommend everyone finding a 'tranquil' place.

So anyway, the last few days have still been me binging, so I've decided, I either purge it (which I'm not very fond of) or DON'T EAT. Let's see how this goes :)

Weekends

Weekends are when I am weakest, I just binge! This weekend was Not Good! Ate all of Sunday. So I didn't weigh myself this morning, am restricting today, and will wait and see what the scales say tomorrow, I'm hoping I manage to stay at 130 lbs, but I think I will have gone up 1 or 2lbs. If the scales were a person, she'd be a bitch.

Got a little bit of a hectic few weeks ahead, exams, university interviews, revision at least it keeps me occupied!!!

Ooh Glee tonight! Gotta love that show!

Flawless

What is flawless , do we all have the same image of the ideal body in our head? And is it, as many magazines say, impossible to achieve? I think for me, my ideal body IS unachievable, I have big bones, and my legs will never get to that elegant, tiny, bony stage which I covet so much. But I want to get as near there as possible.

This weekend has not been good at all. I binged, cried, binged, cried, binged. Silly old exams,not good for the emotions!

But it's Monday tomorrow and I try to think of each Monday as a new start..

I decided to show you me, sorry about the fat face, not a good look.

Letter from a crazy...

A few weeks ago I received a letter from a boy, let's call him Hook (think Captain Hook...crazy likeness). He is my ex boyfriends best friends, can you here the alarms already? A brief background on me and Hook: He claimed he was in love with me last year, so I tried my hardest to put him off. This year I was extremely relieved when he got a girlfriend. Oh another thing, he knows about my ED. One night in a very drunken state I decided to confess to him. I told him the next day I have decided to 'recover', and will carry on that lie. So here is the letter (all names changed bien sur)

My Dearest Battle,

I'm writing this tonight because I need to, as much for me as for you.
The sky is glowing. It is a beautiful night.
Stop Running Battle
Whether you truly have stopped having feelings for Peter or not, Peter would not have told you he cared for you if he truly did not. He does not play with words, he has no ulterior motives. He can help you if you let him.
I know you think you have the strength to do this alone, but if you did, wouldn't you be happy?
You shy away from commitment, and get scared when anyone gets too close. But you don't have the strength to fight on your own. Let those that love you help.
I cry for you, and hate myself for knowing too much, I'll stay commited to you, whether you push me away or not.I hope you have read this through and realised it is a cry from a broken heart.

It took Peter to stop me self harming, and you to start again. One more and one final line for you

I pray for your happiness.

Well as you can imagine I was a little surprised. Although I hate to admit it, some of the letter was nice. But how DARE he blame me for his self harming. For me, that reversed all the good sentiments I saw red (hence red letter) and have not spoken to him since.

This is battle...

So I'm new. 17 years old. 1 year with my eating disorder.

About 6 months ago I was diagnosed as bulimic, (purging type) and have tried (rather too many times) to recover. Right now I'm so inbetween eating disorders, more commonly as Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified. I restrict, fast, exercise, but don't purge any more.

Ok so today=not a good day....I Binged Big Time! But tomorrow is a new day...a new start :D