Thursday, 1 March 2012

Thrown away the adios max.

Oh my gosh I took one, just ONE of the adios max diet tablets and I got so ill. Let's just say I didn't leave the bathroom and my stomach was spasming (is that a word?) out of control. It was either the adios or I got a bad stomach bug. In two days I've lost 6lbs. Mainly this is because of the bug. Today I am being careful with food, but also challenging my eating disordered thoughts. So I put golden syrup on my ready brek this morning because I don't want to get to a place where I feel I am a failure if I have it. I know if I get to that place the binge/purge cycle starts. So I'm eating 3 meals and keeping them all healthy.

I went out today and brought a book about a girl with anorexia. I know full well that this will trigger me but I'm being irresponsible. I won't lie I LOVE having my own scales. But I am NOT going to get sucked back into my  disorder really bad. I just want to loose 10-20lbs in an okay way.

Whatever. I just want to achieve. In everything. I've been a failure this far. At school I didn't get the best grades, I never stick with any hobbies, I never lost enough weight. I'm just not quite good enough. I want to be perfect.


Calla said...

My abnormal psych class is on eating disorders right now. Triggertriggertrigger WOO! Try to take care of yourself, beautiful. It's hard. Just give it a try. That's all anyone can ask.

i love bows:) said...

look after yourself chicken....trying to be perfect has made my life anything but right now...but i do very much understand what you mean.

well done for chucking the diet pills away...they suck anyway and will ruin your liver (and hey, much more fun to do that with cocktails, lets face it!kidding!!!)

be careful about losing weight. the perfectionist streak in you is gonna try and pounce and focus on it. 3 healthy meals, 2-3 snacks a day (fruit, cereal bars, whatever) will help regulate your eating, stop binge urges and keep your blood sugar more even. Dont cut out chocolate or whatever your fav things are to eat, because as soon as you start to feel deprived it gets REALLY hard.

i know you are trying, keep with it chicken, and as Calla said-you can only do your best, and your best IS good enough. message me anytime xxx

Sairs said...

Thinking of you hun. I also urge you to be careful because I think you are already on dangerous ground. We both know that triggering yourself is only going to bring the ED back and you will slip right back into it. Please be careful and think about what Vic said from i love bows. She is spot on with that! Be safe and be gentle with yourself!

Leigh said...

That's the trick isn't it? Losing weight without succumbing to our ED.

Be careful with striving for perfection. I know from experience how much of a hellish process it can be. Healthy might be a better word for it. You CAN do this.
Good luck with this, uo