Friday, 2 March 2012

Struggling with 'the voice'

Yesterday and this morning I've been struggling with listening to the eating disorder voice. I know I'm falling into it's trap. Yesterday I felt I had to time myself eating dinner and only have a very small bite every 30 seconds. But I could eat my yoghurt as fast as I wanted. The voice is gaining control on my actions not relating to food as well. I was reading a book, went to turn the corner of the page down and felt that if I did that I would not be perfect and would get fat. Totally unreasonable and ridiculous I know, but I followed it.
This morning, I felt compelled to cut my one piece of toast into tiny tiny pieces and eat each tiny square with a fork, one at a time, with a gap in-between each bite. Then halfway through breakfast I remembered I had forgotten to do the 20 star jumps I said I would do before weighing myself, so got up and did 40. 

I know these are all bad behaviours, and when I was eating dinner last night I wanted to eat it normally but I COULDN'T. On the other hand I do find them very comforting and relaxing to have such organised meals. 

The really frustrating thing is I know I'm eating a healthy diet. I think what I'm eating is actually just a regular person's healthy. Yet for me all the ED thoughts come with it. 
Let's take yesterday for example:

Breakfast:  ready brek with sultanas and golden syrup (I was challenging myself to have a food a really enjoy.)
Snack: small satsuma.
Lunch: Weight watchers soup, 2 ryvitas, 8 calorie jelly, pear.
Dinner: Small portion of chilli con carne. 
Snack: fat free, low cal yogurt.

This all seems like a normal amount not too much or too little, so why am I getting to caught up in the ED thoughts and related behaviours. I feel like I'm just an attention seeker.

Thank-you so much for all the lovely comments, you've all been fabulous and I really do love hearing from you. Also welcome if you're knew to the blog and have just started commenting, I love following and supporting new blogs!


Leigh said...

They almost sound like obsessive compulsive tendencies. Maybe it's developed as a way to help you control your ED thoughts? They're no less annoying, but maybe they're a little less worse? I think it depends on how you feel about then. So obviously if they're distressing you, then something's not right.

As for the cutting food into small may not be normal, but look on the bright side, at least this way you avoid inhaling the food and going into a binge. You'll actually feel when you're full this way, so it's probably better for you.

I think your intake sounds completely normal, even a little under.

Keep fighting this! You can do it!

Sairs said...

I don't think having the ED voice is a good thing. I know when I still had my ED my ED voice was also really strong. The more I ignored it though, initially it got louder but eventually it went away and I could eat on my own without those put down remarks I used to hear and hun, you are worth more than ED gives you. Can you try to at least one or two times a day ignore ED or at least delay for maybe start with a small number like 5 minutes and then slowly step it up until you are ignoring ED for an hour but try and curb the well no I need to make up for it because I ignore ED. In any case I am sorry for your struggles and it sucks big time when that voice tells you horrible crap. Be gentle with yourself!

i love bows:) said...

what your eating is quite restrictive babe...your gonna set yourself up for feeling hungry and trigger binges...but it is good that you are in the routine of eating meals and snacks, rather than just trying to avoid altogether. how would you feel about adding another snack in at least, fruit is fine, but you really could do with a wee bit more sweetie.

compulsive behaviours are a total b***h to try and tackle, but i guess its about working through them one at a time and showing yourself if you consistantly break the ED rules, nothing bad happens...i get that its hard though.

take care chicken xxx