Yesterday and this morning I've been struggling with listening to the eating disorder voice. I know I'm falling into it's trap. Yesterday I felt I had to time myself eating dinner and only have a very small bite every 30 seconds. But I could eat my yoghurt as fast as I wanted. The voice is gaining control on my actions not relating to food as well. I was reading a book, went to turn the corner of the page down and felt that if I did that I would not be perfect and would get fat. Totally unreasonable and ridiculous I know, but I followed it.
This morning, I felt compelled to cut my one piece of toast into tiny tiny pieces and eat each tiny square with a fork, one at a time, with a gap in-between each bite. Then halfway through breakfast I remembered I had forgotten to do the 20 star jumps I said I would do before weighing myself, so got up and did 40.
I know these are all bad behaviours, and when I was eating dinner last night I wanted to eat it normally but I COULDN'T. On the other hand I do find them very comforting and relaxing to have such organised meals.
The really frustrating thing is I know I'm eating a healthy diet. I think what I'm eating is actually just a regular person's healthy. Yet for me all the ED thoughts come with it.
Let's take yesterday for example:
Breakfast: ready brek with sultanas and golden syrup (I was challenging myself to have a food a really enjoy.)
Snack: small satsuma.
Lunch: Weight watchers soup, 2 ryvitas, 8 calorie jelly, pear.
Dinner: Small portion of chilli con carne.
Snack: fat free, low cal yogurt.
This all seems like a normal amount not too much or too little, so why am I getting to caught up in the ED thoughts and related behaviours. I feel like I'm just an attention seeker.
Thank-you so much for all the lovely comments, you've all been fabulous and I really do love hearing from you. Also welcome if you're knew to the blog and have just started commenting, I love following and supporting new blogs!