Attempting to get back to normal.

Before I went on holiday I was really pleased with my eating pattern, but since returning I'm struggling, yesterday I restricted, I'm binging, and just generally struggling to eat normally and sanely. I'm going to Venice tomorrow with my family, which I'm excited about. I think being with my family for 3 meals a day will be really good for me as I will hopefully be able to get into a pattern.

I have been having a lot of very negative thoughts about myself, I can't WAIT to get back to the gym to tone up (NOT loose weight, just get toned).

Things with the boyfriend are going well, he's SO supportive and kind and funny (can you tell I'm falling for him?!) Only problem: I go to the clinic a week today for my STI test, but then I have to wait 3 months for a HIV test, so can I have sex with my boyfriend before the HIV test? I'm so clueless! We agreed it's best to wait until the results of the first STI test before we have sex. I'm seeing him today, should I tell him that I have to wait 3 months for a HIV test, and see what he wants to do? I'm so confused! See children, this is why you NEVER have unprotected sex!!!

My life is so up in the air at the moment, I don't feel stable, I'm not at home for more than a week (I go camping after Venice, then then to Cornwall), and in between this travelling I have big life events (A level results, 18th birthday, looking for a job) I just feel scared of the fact that I have to grow up and start taking responsibility.

Okay, enough of the moaning!!

Thank you for the feedback on my "what to do with no budget" question - my mum, sister and I ended up having a very enjoyable shopping trip, and I've started re organising my room! Today I am going to for a walk with the boyfriend...all for free :D

Promiscuous? Damaged? Scared.

My mood has been CRAPPY and CONFUSING today and yesterday. I feel, I don't know, dirty? Here's why: Well the ex asked me out, and of course I said yes because I really like him, and am so pleased to be back with him. BUT I CAN'T GET THE FLING FROM THE HOLIDAY OUT OF MY HEAD. He's invited me and my friends up to Brighton and I really want to go (not for romance, although I know I would be tempted). I keep thinking about him and I don't know why! We both agreed it was only physical, no strings attached.

See I read that paragraph back and it makes me sad. I never thought I would be a one night girl, and now I love them. They've made me scared of relationships, because emotions and boys don't seem like a safe mix. Basically I'm scared. All these confusing negative thoughts have caused a two day binge (no purges) which have been making me feel even more negative.

I need to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. I feel so trapped here. I want to escape. Do something. But everything seems to cost money which I don't have.

So, questions:
1. Any suggestions of things I can do on a low budget?
2. How do I get over fear of commitment/ trust issues?



ps Thank you for the amazing comments, I love each and every one of you.

Drrraaamaaaaa

Well, as I said in my previous post, I had sex with 2 guys on holiday. I don't regret it, because it was an experience. Problem: It was unprotected, so I have to go to the clinic which I am MEGA embarrassed about.

Now some news which I am MEGAAAA excited about. Can you remember my ex? The one who I told that I still liked after I dumped him, and he said he couldn't see a future. WELL. We started talking a few days ago and he said he made the biggest mistake in saying no, and wants to meet up....sooooo last night we went to a BBQ together, and it was so nice. It felt just like old times. I'm going round to his tonight which I am nervous about but in that oh-my-God-what's-going-to-happen type of way.

Something weird is going on with my weight. I haven't intentionally been dieting, but for some reason I've lost like 3.5lbs in 2 days. I feel a perverse happiness, but in a really weird way, I'd rather be the slightly higher, more stable weight. Also I have decided that I don't want to loose weight, I want to get toned. So I'm going to join the gym (I LOVE the gym)and increase my food intake a little.

Love you all and sorry for the quietness on your blogs, I have like 1000000 things on my to do list.
xxx

Honey! I'm home!

WOW. WOW. WOW. What a holiday. I don't really know where to start. Just WOW.
A lot can happen in 16 days...here are some things that we've done:

1. Speed boating. We made really good friends with a guy who has a speed boat and he took us out twice. It was IMMENSE!
2. Jet skiing. Made friends with guys with jet skis (recurring pattern?) and they took us out. I'm not going to lie, I was TERRIBLE at jet skiing!
3. Quite a lot of skinny dipping (like 6 times!?) so I can tick that off the list of things to do before I die.
4. ALCOHOL! Well I feel bloody sorry for my liver - I've drunk a minimum of 1 bottle of wine a night, and we drank every single night.
4. Partied harder than I thought possible. I've been out clubbing for 16 nights in a row, my feet are so crippled from heels!



That's just a taster of what me and the fabulous girls have been up to.

Food news: It went fine!!! I was more worried about my friends ridiculous eating habits than mine. I slept through breakfast most days but had a decent sized lunch and diner. I weighed myself this morning and my weight has stayed exactly the same!


I have learnt a huge amount this holiday. Here is my list of things I've learnt:
1.Letting go can be really fun.
2. Living with others requires compromise.
3. Confidence is more important than appearance.
4. Don't over think insults...let them slide.
5. Don't try and impress people - just go with your instincts.
6. Don't be scared of new experiences.
7. There is no need to be so paranoid about what other people are saying.
8. Forgive easily.
9. Don't be afraid to let your beliefs shine through.

I have so much to write, and will be posting more in the next few days, but there you go! I'm looking forward to catching up with your blogs.

Update and au revoir.

Tonight is PROM TIMEE!!! To be honest I wasn't that excited about it until I went shopping today (yes I know it's last minute) and brought a dress I LOVE, I'll like a picture of it: I will put more pictures of prom up when I get home in 2 weeks when I get back from MAJORCA!! I have never looked forward to a holiday more! Just praying everything goes easily at the airport.

Food and weight update: Somehow, I don't know how, I am eating 100% normally - as in breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. No binges, no purges!!! My weight has stayed the same for the last 2 weeks, which has shocked me so much since I thought eating=gain.

Exams: Biology went HORRIBLY, but I think psychology went okay. No point worrying about it now, just got to wait until results day :)

Now some odd news - I went to a revision session a few days ago and was feeling a little sick and got so dizzy and my ears starting ringing. I was in so much pain, I passed out, and apparently I went very very pale. I was so embarrassed, it was in front of my whole class. The thing that made me think was my friends all kept asking if I'd eaten, and why I look so thin. NO I DON'T!!! I'm eating normally! My weight is healthy. Argh.

Questions.

1. What is your dream career?
2. I'm coming for dinner, what do you cook?


Right I will see you in 2 weeks, I'm off to Majorca baby!