Running on empty.

Today I've restricted.

Breakfast: low cal yogurt: 86 cal

Lunch: 1/2 an easter egg - 256 cal.

Then I did 6 hours at work and jogged home.Ouch, running when hungry is so much harder. But I pushed through until I got the worst stitch, but it was only near the end of the run. What are you meant to do when you get a stitch? Run through it? I tried to keep running but I was in so much pain. I felt like a failure.

Right now I'm in front of the TV with a small bowl of pasta. I'm struggling to eat it.It's already gone cold haha.

Exciting news:

I'M GOING TO PARIS TOMORROW :D   I am very very excited and since I've only been once when I was very young so I can't wait to explore the city. The only thing I'm worried about is the food. What if I put on lots of weight? I'm only going for 3 days but I'm still freakin' out a little. But I'm not going to let that ruin my trip!


Just a quick update on the triggering book I posted about, it's Thin by Grace Bowman. I'm still reading it (when I start a book I can't stop reading it.)

Purged.

I just purged for the first time in 8 months. I ate so much today:

Breakfast: yogurt - 86C

Lunch: STUPID number of mini sausage rolls and chocolate. 1 sandwhich.

Dinner: started as just a 86C yogurt and a banana....then had some crisps...then pavalova....then pie. Then I purged.

Thankyou.

Thank you my lovelies, especially you Vicki for the support and love you've been sending me.

Yesterday I didn't want to eat. At all. I went out with my BEST friend C, we went shopping then out for a meal and I was in turmoil over what to get. I ended up eating so much. I hate myself for it.  Sandwhiches, scones, a cake, urgh. So I didn't have dinner. I ended up going out last night with all my friends and drinking quite a lot. Right this moment I'm watching the royal wedding and I've only had 3 hours sleep. It started off as a great night but by 3 I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. My friends wanted to stay so I did....until half 4. I was so stressed out and tired and just wanted to leave but I didn't have any money.

I weighed the same today as I did yesterday which I'm okay with. My daily calorie intake is around 1000-1500.



Not to going to lie....still a little drunk....goinbg to cut this post short :D

Upset by triggering book.

Stupidly this morning I brought a book I knew I would find triggering. Literally a minute ago I came across a line that had me turn over the book and nearly start crying:


"She stepped on the scales and was heavier than she thought (she was heading for nasty nine stone.)"

Seriously. I'm upset by that. I am over this weight and it just makes me feel like a failure. Like I'm nasty for being over that weight..it says it there....clearly...in writing....NASTY NINE STONE.

It's my own fault. I shouldn't have brought the book.

Running success!

Yesterday I went for my first proper run EVER. I challenged myself and decided to run home from work (3.6 miles) I took my running gear to work and at 6:30 my run started! And I was pleseantly surprised..I honestly didn't think I would be able to run very far, maybe run a few minutes walk and repeat. But I kept going and kept going and ran the whole way. It took me quite a long time (40 minutes) but there is a HUGE hill at the end of the run which took me quite a while. Hopefully the more I run home the faster I will get. I really enjoyed it. It's so freeing to just...run...forget all your daily problems.

Food wise I was still pretty restrictive. Yogurt, veg, ranch dip, creme egg, salmon pasta, rhyvita with marmalade,  a small piece of pie. That's what I ate. I have dropped another 0.4lbs. I have 1.6lbs to loose before my first 'goal weight'. I would ideally like to loose 8lbs in total.

I am focusing so much on self control at the moment. I feel like I've always lacked self control and now I'm testing myself.

Trigger warning: Calorie talk.

Yesterday I had a normal dinner after my smaller lunch and breakfast, then had decaf coffee in the evening. After 500 cals for lunch+dinner, I reckon the whole day was somewhere around 1300. Plus I did an hours walk. I can tell I restricted yesterday because of how I slept last night, I basically was very restless, and, well, hungry. It reminded me of my literally sleepless nights a few years ago whereI would go days with no sleep.

This morning I have had a 94.9 C yogurt and coffee. For lunch I have prepared cut up pepper, carrot, olives and pickled onions and I'm taking dip with me. I'm doing a 7 hour shift then jogging home which is about 3.5 miles.

Thankyou for all the comments, I know I shouldn't compare myself to my brother but I still feel humiliated that I weigh more than him. I also know that this restricting won't get me any place good but hell when was I ever logical?

Lost 1lb since yesterday.

restricting feels good. damn it.

Today I want to restrict. I hate my body. I loathe it. Breakfast was a banana. Lunch was chocolate buttons and a can of tuna.95 cals plus 146 caps plus 250.506 cals in total seems a lot. I miss the days when I could eat nothing for lunch or breakfast. Maybe I will cut it down, 200 c for breakfast, 200 for lunch.
My dad is on an extreme diet at the moment, he's lost 13lbs in 3 weeks.
Today I am scared of recovery, scared my mind will want to recover.
I found out i weigh more than my brother. He has crohns which means he struggles to put on weight. I am so embarrassed that I weigh more.

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