Happiness comes before money.

I hate my job. It SUCKS. The only reason I'm still there is because I am broke and need to pay rent. I am however searching for a new job, with less hours. I'm giving out CV's today (fingers crossed please everyone!) There is this one girl that drives me mad (normally I am very patient and don't get irritated by much). She says at least 3 times a day "I shouldn't be working here I have a degree." She basically acts like the queen of the shop even though she's only been there 2 weeks and her sales figures are low.
I'm going for a job at a different jewellery shop which is soo lovely. I REALLY want this job. I'm going to go and give in my CV really enthusiastically.

It's the boyfriends birthday in a week and I need card ideas! I have already brought him tickets for his favourite piano composer (Ludovico Einauldi) and I'm taking him out for a meal. BUT what about the card?! I want to make one, I'm thinking maybe a funny collage of bad pictures of us together (we mostly take bad pictures). Thoughts?

Food wise things are going slowly. I am eating 3 meals and a snack in the evening. Yesterday was:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with sultanas.
Lunch: a pear, a banana, a small chocolate bar.,
Dinner: Beef caserole.
Evening snack: 2 packets of crisps (embarrassed).
I don't really know what to do about my weight. I don't want to mega restrict, but I do want to loose weight. I think I will up my exercise routine and have healthier snacks!

Mrs D Mrs I Mrs FF I Mrs C Mrs U Mrs LTY!

Today I stabilized my intake a little:

Breakfast: Porridge with golden syrup.

Lunch: a pear, a ryvita, a yoghurt.

Dinner: Risotto. 

Snacks: Packet of crisps, 2 ryvita's, mine pie.

Actually, scratch that, that's BAD intake. Yuck. 

I'm being reckless at the moment. Not just reckless with my self, but with other people. I'm neglecting important friendships, giving out my number to any random hot guy that asks (yes I am still with my boyfriend, yes I am a whore.) I'm being reckless with what I'm saying (I'm being a bit of a bitch at work, I KNOW I KNOW, it only reflects badly on me.) PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER BATTLE!

I hate being 18. Suddenly so much more is expected of me. I still feel about 12.

On a bloody brilliant note, I've slept fantastically for the last 2 nights, it's so nice to sleep well without meds.

 

SOMEONE TAKE THE FOOD AWAY.

PLEASE. CAN.SOMEONE. TAKE. AWAY. THE. FOOD.Binge. Binge. Binge.

I'm going to shame myself and just be honest at my intake today (those who are disgusted easily, stop reading now!)
Breakfast1: cookie crisp cereal.
Breakfast 2 (told you it was bad: Costa breakfast bagel (600c, just to disgust you all more).
Lunch: 2 J2O's, a turkey and cranberry wrap, a massive mars muffin.
Dinner: Indian takeaway.


I'm disgusting. And here is the proof (do we really need more proof?!)

Last night my boyfriend said, "You should get a boob job, then you'd be in proportion. Your hips and top half would be even." Yes, I know my thighs are huge. Yes I know I have a muffin top. Yes. I know. I'm fat. Told you.

I'm taking Tamazepam (tranquilliser/anti depressant) just to get away from things. I can't face crying tonight. I stayed at my boyfriends last night, woke up at 3:00am, and just burst into tears, everything is a little overwhelming at the moment. 

Building up after the breakdown and a confusing counsellor.

Yesterday I got SO ANGRY. But luckily instead of letting it eat me up and me just seething inside, I rang my mentor. She has NEVER heard me loose it, but I'm just so sick of everything I vented big time. Lots of swearing, tears and general anger. Afterwards she said "I'm actually really proud you let your barriers down so much, I've never heard you be so truthful, you should be proud." I was also venting about an issue I haven't brought up on here before: my church. I feel like I'm being judged by them for having sex and drinking.

Weight:  I'm at the same weight I was yesterday, which would normally annoy me but it's okay, because at least weight isn't coming on.

Food for today: 
Breakfast (I messed up) : a pack of rolo's.
Lunch: diet coke.
Dinner: Jacket potato with beans.

My counsellor said something yesterday which confused/challenged me. Basically I was telling her about my history of ED, and how I always end up slipping back in to my old ED habits. She said something along these lines "You have the choice to start cutting back, you have the choice to ignore it and carry on, so you also have the choice to NOT cut back and NOT carry on." She made it seem as simple as that. Hmmm.....

First impression

Apparently the impression people get from me is "snobby, prim and proper." Someone told me when we first met she thought she would hate me. She said "Maybe it's your hair, or maybe your earrings...a lot of people thought the same as me". what the hell? And the thing is, other people have told me this before. This isn't the person I want to portray. Back to square one.

Food
Breakfast: Ryvita with marmalade.
Lunch: Coffee.
Dinner: what ever the family has.

I have managed to keep the 4lbs off, and am now at a 'not immediately going to kill myself because of scales' weight.

To do today:
Driving lesson (stay off the roads! You've been warned).
Counselling.
Meet up with friend for coffee.
Give out CV's.
Don't cry.

Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is not.

So time to expand. First food. I got up to 'the weight' that number you see and scream. Luckily I've lost 4lbs since 'the weight'. Yesterday I ate a ryvita and a cookie. And drank: 2 diet cokes, and about 12 cocktails (I know, I know they are calorific but I was out on a night with a work colleague.) I have to loose another 3lbs before I'm in the range of not panicking.

A job update - I am now searching for a new job. I'm staying at my current job until I get a new one. I'm super stressed about it all.

As mentioned earlier I was out with a lovely work colleague last night. She is leaving the job in 3 weeks. We got very drunk and I was totally on the look out for a guy. I gave my number to a bar tender to texted me later. 'But wait!' I hear you say 'what about the boyfriend?!' The boyfriend is failing. Big time. He is crap. I haven't seen him for two weeks and I haven't kissed him for a month. He is loosing me. He is pushing me away. I refuse to be treated like this. I've set my date - if he hasn't improved by the set date he's out of here.