'The biggest Loser'

'The Biggest Loser' has just started in England. It's...odd. I can't make my mind up if it's a good program or not. I watched it at the gym and found myself working out harder than ever. I just don't like the idea of the competitive weight loss. I understand that they are severely overweight, bu they are loosing a stone a week! That's so much. Then if they are the ones that loose the least weight they get booted out. What are your thoughts? You who are in America - what is thought of the American series?

So an update - I am at my okay weight. I have been going to the gym and monitoring my calories (but not cutting them) Today I have eaten 1300 calories :)
My life is good at the moment. I have a good job, on a good timetable. I enjoy my other days, I am practicing driving and have just ordered lots of new books which I can't wait to start. I also just got an AMAZING new phone (HTC desire) and am enjoying the perks of having a bloody clever phone (I'm such a geek).

Anyway, that was  a random post, hope you're all well.
xx

Back to proper eating please.

I've been really unhealthy these last few days, eating a lot of 'binge foods'. My weight has risen quite a lot. So, my decision today is that I NEED to stop weighing myself. I'm going to go from every day to once every two days, then slowly less and less. I'm trying to get my eating back to a decent amount of good foods. Today I've had:
wheetabix and a banana
a bagel with cheese.
5 mini chocolates.
a yoghurt.

I won't have any more food until dinner. This seems enough for me!

Work yesterday went really well, my first customer was a man looking for underwear. At first I thought it was a gift, (the shop only sells female underwear) but after a few questions I realised it was for himself. He was so lovely and seemed quite shy about it at first, but after a while he opened up and said how hard it is to shop for this kind of thing because people are so judgemental, he said he was so happy that I was treating him with respect. It made me think about how inconsiderate some people can be, he must get a lot of mistreatment. He was so happy by getting treated how I would treat any customer (he went to my manager and said my service was good). Anyway where was I....oh yeh, I really don't understand why people would treat this guy differently...

Disproportionate anger over dinner.

Today I had prepared dinner -roast vegetable pasta. I had chopped all the veg and made the sauce to go over the top. As I was tutoring this evening my mum was going to put it in the oven. So I get home from tutoring, sit down for dinner and taste me. It's disgusting. My mum had added 6 extra garlic cloves. It was awful. I ended up having beans on toast. Now all this isn't really that important, the thing that got me is how ANGRY I felt. Completely disproportionate to the situation. I was fuming. I'm still angry now and it is half an hour later. I know I shouldn't be that mad but it's how I feel. Normally I only feel really angry about things like this when I'm going through a down period (once I got really really angry over my mum telling me off for not cleaning up the toasty maker. What a loser!)
So, question time...do any of you feel stupidly angry about these kind of things? (particularly food related)
And if so, how do you come down from this anger?

Friends can bring you back.

As I mentioned yesterday night I went out with my friends. It was so lovely to be out with them and actually I didn't feel shy or fat at all. It really put me back in a good mood. Sometimes friends bring you out of that black mood.
I woke up today feeling productive I have been to the gym this morning, booked my driving theory test, and sorted out a new phone. I have also eaten well so far today. I had wheetabix for breakfast then for lunch I made an omelette (I NEVER cook so I was quite proud of my not exactly perfect looking meal. It was tasty :) I am going out for a meal with my old work friends today and I am giving myself permission to eat what I want.

Now another issue I would like to address, a comment I received on my last post. "You should delete this blog. I know it's a sanctuary but it's probably making you care more about this stuff. I deleted my blog recently and my life has been so different." Well this comment got me a little annoyed. First off, don't tell me what I 'should' do. Also I find that writing what I eat here actually helps me feel better about it. For example yesterday after writing what I ate I looked at the list and realised it wasn't so awful. Also this blog is the place where I can be honest and I truly enjoy having this blog.
xxx

ps. You've all been so awesome recently and truly supportive thank you!

stop. eating. so much. argh.

I keep EATING. loads. Today was my worst yet:
wheetabix.
4 chocolate biscuits.
1 croissant with peanut butter.
1 bagel with peanut butter.
5 mini chocolates
2 crackers.
1 bowl of soup.
1 piece of bread.
1 yoghurt.
1 jacket potato with cheese and beans.

I feel so gross. I don't know what made me feel all binge-ey. Maybe it's because now I only work 3 days I have nothing else to do. Today I had a driving lesson...and that's it. I was going to go to the gym but I didn't feel like I had the energy. I am going out with friends tonight and I want to. As much as I love my sixth form friends whenever I hang out with them I feel fat (they are all very thin). Really dreading it. 

I also feel guilty for caring so much about this stuff. After watching 'The Passion of the Christ' this afternoon (not exactly a light watch FYI) I guess I feel stupid for caring about this stuff.

Burglary sucks.

Today whilst at work I got a call from my mum to tell me the police were round, my laptop and all the money I've saved up for driving has been stolen. I was so angry and upset. But most of all I'm freaked out at the prospect of having some disgusting people in my room, looking through my stuff. Oh and we don't have house insurance. This is the first month my family didn't insure the house in 25 years.

Anyway I thought I should explain 'maintaining'. I lost weight recently because of being ill and I'm really trying to maintain that weight. Yesterday I wrote about my mini binge. I actually lost a pound this morning. Oupps.
Today I've eaten (too much...need to be healthy again):
Wheetabix
cheese and tuna bagel.
yoghurt.
chicken Caesar wrap (I actually got this after I found out about the burglary major emotional eating)
Toad in the hole.
Yoghurt.
3 mini chocolates.
1 chocolate biscuit.

I had way too much.

Hmm.

I don't really know what I am classified medically classified as any more, eating disordered wise. I haven't purged for about 3 months (WOO) but still think about calories/restricting/exercise daily. For example today I had a mini binge (mini in terms of what I used to do) over the day I had:
Wheetabix with semi skimmed milk and apricots
2 coconut marshmallow things.
3 chocolate biscuits.
a tuna and cheese bagel.
Shepard's pie
another coconut marshmallow thing.
1 satsuma.
That felt like so much to me. I weighed myself after diner, and expected to have gone up 5 lbs, whereas I was only up 1.6lbs from this morning. Then went to the gym for an hour. Maintaining my weight has become very important to me recently.


Anyway I'm watching Glee so only a small post today!