GOOOOOOOD NEWS!!!!

I have some news which I hope you will like: today at exactly quarter to ten, I got up from revision. Went downstairs. Got a bowl. And made porridge. Cut up half a banana and got some walnuts. I then ate it. All of it. This is the first time I have eaten breakfast in months.

Your comments really put things into perspective, I read them through this morning and cried at your loveliness, hearing these things are hard to take in, and I honestly don't think I would have got the courage this morning to eat breakfast without the encouragement you gave me. Thank you so much.

I want to live in the present - not worrying about lunch...not worrying about dinner...not worrying about the scales. And to do that I just need to respond to my hunger signals as they come. When I realise I feel hungry I can get a snack, or eat my meal. I eat it slowly and mindfully, thinking about how I feel while I eat, and when I feel full I'm going to put down my knife and fork, and stop eating.

I'm expecting ups and downs.

Feelings:
1. I think I feel a bit relieved. Relieved that I think I'm going to be okay.
2. I still feel apprehensive and a bit scared about: looking fat on holiday, getting really bloated, my Mum saying I look a bit 'big'. I'm worried that tomorrow my weight is going to be really 'high'.
3. I'm worried that I'm going to put on a lot of weight, all I want to do is maintain.

But the things I'm worried about are in the future, so right now, right this very second I don't need to worry.
Quick question: How do you maintain your weight? I'm thinking logically, and the weight I am right now is probably the weight me and my body is happiest at. It's in the healthy BMI range and it's a weight I feel 'comfortable' in.

Facts:
1. Yesterday night I couldn't sleep because I was hungry. The fact is: I don't want to feel like this because it reflects badly on my grades, and this is an important time where I need energy to revise.
2. Even if I do go up in weight tomorrow that will be because I have been eating so little and my body is readjusting.


So there we go! Sometimes you've got to go through tough emotions (see last post) to get to these brighter ones. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I just found it.

Questions:
1. What are some examples of good, healthy, filling snacks for in-between meals?
2. have you got any tips for staying in the present...not worrying about the future etc?
3. You can change the colour of the sky. What colour do you change it to?

iamnotfatiamnotfatiamnotfat (repeat until believe).

Feelings:
1. I feel like a failure because I feel like I have binged (I ate too much dinner, even though I haven't eaten anything else today). I feel like I'm going to weigh a lot tomorrow and it's really really stressing me out.
2. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for the world..I'm never going to be thin enough.
3. I feel really guilty because I haven't purged...not because I'm trying to recover...because I don't want to risk it with all my family in my house.
4. I feel miserable when I'm hungry and miserable when I'm full.
5. I feel angry because I don't think I'm going to reach my target weight by Sunday.

Facts:
1. My weight is in the healthy weight range. This means I am not fat.
2. I don't need to feel guilty about not purging. Other people eat more than me and don't purge, and I don't think they are fat.
3. The number on the scales tomorrow does not dictate my self worth.



Can someone please beat me round the head with the facts until I believe them?

A challenge for you.

Let's start with the challenge, shall we? I have noticed a recurring theme in the blogger community. We can all see everyone else's lovely personalities. We could easily real of a list all of the fabulous things...ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE. This isn't just in blogger, but in all of women kind it seems. SO I want you to think. And tell me 3 good things about your personality - they don't have to be big things, they can be "I am sympathetic" or "I like smiling at strangers", or "I can tell when someone is down and like to help cheer them up." Whatever it is I would LOVELOVELOVE to hear it. Screw being modest! Go and and say it!

I can't set a challenge without doing it myself, so here goes:
1. I have a real passion for helping people - in small ways like helping someone with a fashion problem, or in bigger ones like helping out at a charity once in a while.
2. I like beautiful things - not superficial things like a model, but the way mothers look at there new born children, or a sun set.
3. When I really put my mind to a task, I can do it.

Your turn :) :)

Another thing I need help on: books. I ADORE reading. LOVE it. Can spend all day reading a good novel. Now I have decided that instead of buying 2 or 3 magazines a month, I can put that money towards one new book a month! So any suggests will be very much appreciated!

So, to conclude, my questions are:

1. What 3 things do you like about your personality?
2. Have you got any books you recommend?

Can you tell I'm goal oriented?

Well thank you for answering my slightly bonkers questions. Here are my answers: if I could have any power - to know every single language in the world. The possibilities would be endless. And second question - 2 bums, you could just wear skirts and dresses to cover it :)

New goals. Long term life aims. Just to add to my list, this list is going to go on the side of my profile and I will cross them off as I go.

1. Become bilingual...we all know I want to speak French, nothing new there.
2. Buy a plane ticket for the next day for somewhere....anywhere, on my own.
3. Go and watch the London Olympics in 2012.
4. Face my fear and SKYDIVE.
5. Walk (some of) the great wall of China.
6. Go on a gondola in Venice.
7. Make a three tiered cake.
8. Create my family tree.
9. Go to a Spain, make friends with a fisherman and eat fresh fish with them.
10. Go on a hot air balloon.
11. Scuba dive in the barrier reef.
12. Grow my own vegetable patch.
13. Send Christmas in a beach drinking Pina Colada's.
14. Sleep under the stars on a beach.
15. Go back to Yosemite.
16. Fall completely and utterly in love.
17. Spend New Year's eve partying in New York.
18. Send a message in a bottle.
19. Learn to make cocktails.
20. Go skinny dipping at midnight in Majorca.
21. Swim with dolphins.
22. Learn to ballroom dance properly.
23. Sit on a jury.
24. Fly first class.
25. Have a child.
26. Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris.
27. Take a picture of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre.
28. Buy 12 roses...for myself.
29. Have sex with someone I REALLY love and who lovely me back.
30. Pass my A levels so I get into university.
31. Buy a sari from India.
32. Live in America, New Zealand and France for at least a year each.
33. Own a piece of diamond jewellery.
34. Donate to a charity anonymously.
35. Learn yoga.
36. Stay up all night.
37. Eat Sushi at a sushi bar.
38. Become someone's mentor.
39. Spend at entire day naked.
40. Get an article in a paper or magazine published.
41. Camp in the desert.
42. Go a year without watching TV.
43. Cook Christmas diner for my family.
44. Be an extra in a TV show.
45. Watch the cheese rolling competitions in Gloucestershire.
46. Go and watch the Eurovision Song Contest.
47. Have a spa day.
48. Drink abesynthe.
49. Get my teeth whitened.
50. Learn to ski.


Okay this list was boring for you guys to read, but I just love coming up with things to do before I die.

Quick food update: restricting a lot this. 1/2 a can of tuna for lunch, diner with family. Working out. Purging. BUT on the positive, I feel like I'm in a really good place, I'm not feeling down or sad.



Questions:
1. What on my list have you done?
2. Is there anything you would add to my list?

Should I feel guilty for relapse?

This is a bit of an indulgent post - but I feel like it's my fault that I've relapsed...what am I saying?! It is my fault!! I actively let myself fall back to this. This week I've purged 4 times. Restricted obsessively. Not happy with this. That fear and feeling of helplessness when coming up to dinner has returned. But as strange as it sounds, I feel like my ED behaviours are helping me cope with exam stress. Damn, damn, triple damn.

On good news, hear is how Friday with the boy went. We met at the park down my road, and I wanted to buy a magazine so we went to the shop and I brought Elle. Because England has suddenly decided it's Summer we went back and sat in the park. And talked. For an hour. Really nice, really relaxed. There were no awkward moments, it was really lovely being able to hang out with him and not worry about him thinking I was leading him on. Thanks for the faaaabulous advice :)

Okay, my question a while ago was 'what would you do with a million pounds'. I have to stay, the first thing I would do is buy a pair of Christain Louboutains and a Chanel bag. And then I would save the rest.

Second question, who would I be for a day? I would be a ballerina. I admire ballerina's strength, stamina and grace, I would love to see what it's like to be that talented.

Okay, new questions for you:

1. One magic power, what do you chose?
2. Three eyes or two bums, what do you chose?

I love doing these types of questions, and I love hearing your answers :)
xxxx

Relapse (and boy update).

First off, I told the boy, and he still wants to meet up. Thank you for the advice, clearly I took it :) I'm just relieved that he knows I'm not interested. I'm going out for coffee with him on Friday, I will keep you updated.

Secondly, I am pretty sure I can call my current situation 'relapse'. I've been a bit quiet about what I've been eating. Here is what has happened in the last few months to my intake:

recovery food:

Breakfast: Ready break with milk and sultanas.
Lunch: A sandwich, 2 pieces of fruit and a small chocolate bar.
Afternoon snack: fruit.
Dinner: What ever my family were eating....something like lasagne.
Evening snack: small piece of chocolate.

Gradually I decided to start using water in the ready break....I took out the sultanas. I measured EXACTLY how much ready break. One day I missed it. And I 'remembered' I can cope without breakfast. So now it's coffee for breakfast.

Lunch, I took out chocolate, then the sandwhich, replaced it for a salad, then that moced to 2 pieces of fruit for lunch. Now I have 1/2 a small can of tuna for lunch.

Dinner: I still have dinner with my family. But I seem to be purging it more and more regularly.

I'm sorry if this was triggering, I just want to stay accountable.

Questions:

1. You have one day to be someone else, who do you choose?
2. Have you got any decent revision tips?

positive thinking.

Positive thinking has been going surprisingly well! Here is a list of POSITIVE things that have been happening:

1. I met up with my fabulous mentor...she is truly amazing, she's properly my angel at the moment.
2. Revision is going well!!
3. I'm starting to really look forward to my future...I really want to be a nurse.
4. Even though my eating habits are very, very questionable it's not having a big influence on my mood at the moment :)
5. I have the most amazing followers ever.

I have a dilemma. There's a guy (why do dilemma's always start this way?!). And I know that he likes me. And I don't like him in that way, but I really want to be his friend. I agreed to meet up with him for a coffee for Friday, but I feel like I'm leading him on, and that's just NOT fair on him, I guess in a way I do lead him on sometimes (unintentionally). What do I do?? Cancel? Tell him? ARGH!

Here are some questions for you.

1. Describe yourself in five or less words.
2. You have won one million pounds in the lottery....what do you do first?